AGGIE: But, Sadie suppose Jimmy’s waiting on me. I mean doesn’t that claires accessories person not have to let the ones up there know to come down the night .And Hey, what happens if they’re not up there. What if they’re, you know….Sadie, you know.

 

SADIE: For God’s sake, know what, Aggie?

 

AGGIE: With aul Nick in Hell like. He’s not going to let them out for a wee parley with their friends. He’ll stick his fork in their ass and haul ‘em back, eh? Don’t ye think. Sadie,eh.

 

SADIE: Aggie, first of all he doesn’t have horns or a fork, nor does he dress in a friggin’ red suit, like Santa. Secondly it’s clairvolavent not whatever stupid thing you said and she doesn’t have a wee meeting and talk about appearing and disappearing. It’s just whoever happens to come through.

 

AGGIE: Come through! Come through what, Sadie? Jesus, not through them revolving doors. They’d get their sheets pulled off and they’d be naked, so they would. I don’t want anybody seeing my Jimmy naked, only me, even without skin. Oh, yeah, they don’t have any bodies, sure they don’t, they keep those sheets on to keep warm, don’t they. Keep what warm, though? Their spirity things, maybe. Remember thon film, Sadie, Ghostbusters. Didn’t they have ectoplastics or something, maybe they have to keep them warm, eh. I wonder where they got the sheets from. Do ya think they have shops , you know like Primark or Marksies. God, Marksies sheets are gorgeous, fuckin’ expensive though. Our Martha, me sister, her with the posh house, she has them. Jesus, it’s like lying in cotton wool.

 

(AGGIE GAZES INTO THE DISTANCE DREAMILY WHILE SADIE STARES AT HER IN UTTER CONFUSION)

 

SADIE: Sadie, I haven’t the foggiest notion what you just said. Sheets? Revolving door? What?

 

AGGIE: You said come through, come through where, Sadie?

 

SADIE: Her head, you eejit! Her head. They take over her body and come through her head.

 

(AGGIE NOW LOOKS STUNNED, CONFUSED AND TOTALLY BEWILDERED.)

 

AGGIE: Eh? Don’t like the fuckin’ sound of that. Are you trying to tell me that my Jimmy is going to have his way with thon séance person. Not fuckin’ likely!

 

(AGGIE GETS UP, FISTS FLAILING, HEADNG FOR THE DOOR, SADIE GRABS HER, PUSHES HER INTO CHAIR, SIGHING HEAVILY.)

 

SADIE: Aggie, I’m sure your Jimmy would love to have his way with the séance lady. He certainly shared it out when he was alive. But that’s not……
AGGIE: (INDIGNANTLY RISING):   I’ll have you know my Jimmy loved me. He wouldn’t look at another woman, nevermind nothing else. Jimmy and me were at it like rabbits at least once a week or was that once a month. Anyway I’ve had more of them organism things than you’ve had hot dinners, my girl.

 

SADIE: It’s orgasm, Aggie and how do you know about them. Sure ye knew nothing when ye got married. Ye were that scared on your wedding night ye hid under the bed. Jimmy thought ye’d done a runner. Bounded down the stairs to the reception yelling for a search party, or was that for another drink.

 

AGGIE; I was playing hard to get, sex games, ye know.

 

SADIE: Sex games! The only sex game you know is a bad word on a scrabble board.

 

AGGIE: I read thon dirty book Fifty Shades.

 

SADIE: You saw the movie with me and snored all the way through it. The couple behind us thought ye were heavy breathing. They were gonna call the usher till I nudged ye on the arm.

 

AGGIE: That’s where that bruise came from! You’re awful rough, so ye are. He! He! So was he! Anyway my Jimmy looked after me, real concerned about my health he was. Got himself a wee allotment, remember, he said to take his mind of hanky panky and give me some peace. Sowed his wild oats down there night after night, he did, never came near me if I was tired. Very understanding, my Jimmy. He said them wild oats had to be watched during the night or they wouldn’t grow straight and hard. They’d have to be coaxed into life then. Strange thing I never saw any of them things he grew. Those oats must’ve up and died on him. Ach, sure it kept him happy.

 

SADIE: It certainly did that, Aggie, it certainly did. Did ye never wonder why he always came home with a smile on his face every evening. Did ye never smell perfume of him or see lipstick on his collar. Christ, Aggie, he was at it with every female on the allotments. It wasn’t compost made his carrots grow and he enjoyed fluffing up their pumpkins.

 

AGGIE: (SNIFFING INTO HER HANKY): Sadie McElroy, you take that back. My Jimmy was as pure as the driven snow.

 

SADIE: Ay, when it turned to slush. Aggie all men are the same. If it’s handed to them on a plate they’ll bust their chops getting at it. Compass in their trousers pointed at women.

 

AGGIE: My Jimmy wouldn’t. He loved his wild oats Anyway why aren’t ye accusing your Danny?

 

SADIE: (BURSTING INTO LAUGHTER) What? Jesus, Danny would be hard pressed to raise a smile never mind anything else. I was so naggard tying to coax him into action I fell asleep before he started. He might have continued on, I don’t know., I was too exhausted to care by then. My hands were blistered with the friction.

 

AGGIE NOT ABLE TO HOLD HER TEMPER, DOUBLES OVER GIGGLING)

 

AGGIE: Oh! Sadie, you’re a tonic, so ye are. Oh! My sides hurt

 

(THE SÉANCE CROWD EXPLODE ONTO STAGE LOUDLY COMPLAINING, WALKING TOWARDS OUR DYNAMIC DUO)

 

Waste of money!

Drunk as a skunk!

Couldn’t raise her arm, never mind the dead!

 

SADIE: What happened? Did nobody come through (GAZING OVER AT AGGIE) her head?

 

MAUD: Are ye bloody joking? Her head was full to the brim with water, alcoholic water. Them poor souls would’ve had to swim, they would’ve ended up sozzled spirits. Fightened the friggin’ life out of us, she did, slid to the floor, the next thing we heard was Daniel. I thought he’d died, begod. I was thinking no more of thon whiny voice when……

 

KATE: Maud, he’s a lovely singer. Very good to his..

 

SADIE: We know. We know. His Mammy. Go on. Go on. What happened.

 

MAUD: He stoped dead. (STARTS LAUGHING) in the middle. Turns out she’d only gone and knocked the radio over. Them poor souls stayed well away, didn’t want to inhale the fumes and get lost going back , slip of the foot and they might have ended up down below drying out. But ye know something, just as we were leaving that aul radio came back on and as sure as fate I heard a voice sing Blue Suede Shoes, for just a few seconds mind you.

 

SADIE: Now, there’s someone who was good to his Mammy and could sing. Oh, yeah! (SMILES AS SHE REMEMBERS THE KING.)

 

AGGIE: C’mon over and sit yerselves down. Did ye get your money back? Is thon clairopodist a ghost now? Is she badly hurt? Did your husbands ever sow wild oats?

 

MAUD: (STARING OUT TOWARDS THE AUDIENCE) The radio wasn’t plugged in. She’d kicked it out when she fell.

 

 

CURTAIN.