LADIES WHO SURF

 

Sounds of traffic, heavy rain and traffic.

 

AGGIE:  Sadie, there’s the Glenowen over there, all lit up and warm. Can we not have a wee gin, just to warm us up you know? It’s raining Sadie and I’m freezin’.Where are we going anyway?

SADIE:  No, Aggie and we’re going to learn computers.

AGGIE:  Sadie I don’t know one end of a computer from the other. All I know our wee Willie plays thon games from morning till night. I told his Ma that couldn’t be good for him. Alll that shouting and bombing and people killed. Didn’t we get enough of that years ago. I caught the wee’un with a hairdryer trying to blow the fur off the baby’s teddy. But sure I’m only the ma-in-law, know what I mean. I don’t count. Our Brian married beneath hisself when he took up with that hussy. Won’t even let me take me own grandbabby out.

SADIE: Beneath himself! Aggie you’re from the middle of the Falls Road not Malone, and ye left wee Marie parked in her pram outside Poundstretchers last week and got the bus home.

AGGIE: Now be fair, Sadie, didn’t I get off two stops up. Pulled the bloody emergency cord and all. Bloody driver wouldn’t stop. Yelling I was “My baby, my baby!” Took one look at me and said “if you have a baby, Lady, I pity the poor sod who gave it to you.” What the hell does that mean, Sadie? Whole bloody bus was laughing.  Cheeky article! I hit him with my bag and he threw me off.

SADIE: Aggie, you’re sixty one. Your child bearing days are over, and anyway ye need a man to tango with.

AGGIE: Now, my Billy’s couldn’t dance to save hisself. I had to shove whiskey down his throat to get him on the floor and that was only for the slow ones. But he’s still a goer, Sadie. Every Saturday night, after a few pints he has me knickers round me ankles before I can ask if he wants a bite. And he does!  (AGGIE GIGGLES DIRTILY)

SADIE: Aggie, Jesus, you’re getting the leftovers. Billy has more floozies than the Plaza ballroom. And that’s probably where he’s picking them up.

AGGIE:  Sadie you take that back. My Billy doesn’t dance.

SADIE:  For Frig sake, Aggie C’mon. We’re going to learn about the Web.

AGGIE (stops walking)   What? Web?  Now haul on here a minute. I don’t like spiders, ye know. Got one down my knickers once, rolled about like a prossie, I did before the bugger bit me. Couldn’t sit down for a week. Had to have one of them rubber ring things. No nookie, either. My Billy wasn’t one bit pleased I can tell ye. Kept going out for walks to  ”cool his arsure”  whatever that means. No. no webs and no creepy spiders. I’m away for a gin. (HEADS OFF)

SADIE: (GRABBING HER) Walks! And it’s ardure, Aggie. I’m sure he got well cooled off. Anyway, it’sthe world wide web and surfing and stuff.

AGGIE: Worldwide. Oh. Dear Jesus, those things are going everywhere. Breeding like rabbits (GIGGLES) No, like horny spiders. And what’d ye mean surf. I can’t fuckin’ swim, Sadie. Takes me all me time to get into the bath, hanging on to the sides like a leech, I am. Billy wanted us to have a bath together when we first got wed, I thought he was stingy, wanted to save water. Sorta put me off him a bit, I thought to meself “here, Aggie, you’ve got a right one here, he’ll wanna wear your clothes next. Then the penny dropped, know what I mean, Sadie. OoooH it were lovely! Never asks now, probably because of my veiny ole legs and all. Here, don’t they surf in Australia. Ach, Jesus, have I to look for my passport again, Sadie. Sure I don’t have one. Never been on a plane, don’t think I’d like being up there. How do they stay up, that’s what I want….

SADIE: Aggie, shut up! Don’t want to know about your dirty ways. Now, listen, you don’t swim, you don’t go to Australia, you surf on the World Wide Web on the computer which we are going to learn tonight if you stop talking long enough to get there.

AGGIE: Alright, alright’ keep yer hair on. I don’t know why I’m yer friend, Sadie Gilmore, you’re always shouting. (STOPS ABRUPTLY)Sadie, do you see what I see?

SADIE: Thankfully, no, Aggie.

AGGIE: No, look, over there, free money. On the wall. Free money here.

SADIE: Let go of me coat. It’s me Sunday best. What’s up wi’ye?

AGGIE: Sadie does that sign say what I think it says. Does that say FREEMONEY!

SADIE: (sighing deeply) Aggie it’s an ATM.

AGGIE: I don’t care who ATM is. He’s giving away free money .Jesus, you don’t see that every day. C’mon Sadie we must be the first. There’s nobody at it. Poor man must be dying, God Bless him. Givin’ away all his worldly goods. C’mon.

SADIE: Aggie, an automatic teller. Leave go o’ me.

AGGIE:  I won’t tell her if you won’t tell her. C’mon I’m skint and its near Christmas.

SADIE: Aggie, you need a card and a pin and

AGGIE: (interrupting)A pin! Sure I’ve one in me knickers. Billy yanked ‘em down that often the elastic’s went. (GIGGLES) Haul on. (BENDS OVER AND LIFTS UP HER SKIRT)

SADIE: For fuck sake, Aggie, you’re in the middle of the Falls Road. Stop it.

AGGIE: Sadie, help me. Everybody’ll see it soon and we’ll have no chance.

SADIE: A pin number, Aggie! Tell ye what, we’ll learn computers and then we’ll have a pin number.

AGGIE: Really. But how long will that take. The money will be all gone.

SADIE: Those machines are all over the place. Ye can get money anywhere. (TAKING AGGIES ARM AND STEERING HER ONWARDS)

AGGIE: What? Ach. Sadie that poor man, he must be worse than I thought.

SADIE:   Jesus, Aggie, what wee man.

AGGIE: Thon man who’s giving away all his money. Ye know, ATM. What do you think that stands for Sadie? A TOTAL MANIAC!  Ach, sorry, didn’t mean that, do ye think he found religion or something. God, Sadie, maybe he’s dying and hasn’t got anybody to leave it too. Poor soul, anyway let’s go and get some if he’s givin’ it.

SADIE (with controlled patience): Aggie, your sympathy amazes me, it lasts for all of two seconds. Now, we are going to learn to surf the web. There is no free money, no wee man in the machine giving it away. You are something else, Aggie Gilmore but I still like you.

AGGIE: Ach Sadie gwan wi’ ye! (and she bumps Sadie’s arm which nearly lands her in the middle of the road.)