TEACHER: Right class, turn on computer and log in, please.

AGGIE: What? Does he mean plug it in? Where’s the plug, Sadie?

SADIE: It’s hidden under the carpet. They’re all over the place.

AGGIE REGARDS SADIE WITH A PUZZLED LOOK.

AGGIE: What the hell for?  How are ye supposed to find out which one is yours? Jesus Sadie, these are me good trousers.

AGGIE GETS DOWN ON THE FLOOR AND CRAWLS ABOUT.

SADIE: Get up ye ejit , they’re already plugged in. Get up before he sees ye.

TEACHER: Ladies is everything alright back there.

SADIE: (in false posh voice) Oh Yes. Thank you very much. My friend just lost her earring. Ahem!

AGGIE: (gaping at her friend) Sadie why are ye talking like that?  Have you got a brandy ball in yer mouth.  Gie’us one. I love brandy balls. You suck and suck until only a wee bit left then a big crunchI  Ohhh I can taste it now. Anyway I don’t have earrings. Just them plastic ones we got in the cracker at Christmas and they broke when I tried to….

SADIE: Aggie everybody’s looking at ye. Sit down and shut up. We’re gonna start.

AGGIE: Start what? Is this a TV? Where’s the remote? There’s no picture.

SADIE: Press thon button, I think

TEACHER: That’s right and use your mouse to move across the screen.

AGGIE SCREAMS AND JUMPS ON COMPUTER CHAIR WHICH PROCEEDS TO SPIN HER ROUND, THEN DUMP HER ON HER BACK ON THE FLOOR. SHE SPRINGS BACK UP LIKE A TWO -YEAR OLD YELLING

AGGIE: Mice! Mice! Sadie, there’s mice here Oh, Jesus I hate mice. One got into Jimmy’s underwear drawer and put holes in all his wee balloons. I opened one and it wasn’t even coloured. Pasty beige it was and didn’t blow up very well. I asked him about them and he said he was learning to be a magician….

SADIE: Aggie, shut up. Mouse not mice and it’s that thing there. You use it to scroll up and down your desktop.

AGGIE: where the fuck did you get them big words, Sadie?  Scrole and desk tap. Did you make them up? You’re always doing that, Sadie making me look stupid.

SADIE: That wouldn’t be hard.

AGGIE: (standing) You take that back, Sadie Gilmore. I’ll have you know I was head girl in my school.

SADIE: Aggie, it was a reform school and you were the oldest one there. Sixteen and stealing dolly mixtures from the corner shop. What the Hell where you thinking?

AGGIE: I like them and me Ma wouldn’t gie me any money.

SADIE: She probably thought you wanted it for cider and a smoke. She wouldn’t have been so embarrassed then.

“Hey, Maura, what’s your girl in for?”

“Stealing dolly mixtures.”

Jesus, Aggie.

AGGIE: Now, just haul on a minute….

TEACHER: Right, girls. Let’s calm down and do what we came here for. Surfing the Net!

AGGIE: Surf yer own net, Mister. I’m outta here. (STOMPS OFF)

SADIE: Pin number. Free money. Mr ATM! (WAVING FIVE POUND NOTE IN FRONT OF AGGIE)

AGGIE: (HYPNOTISED BY WAVING FIVER) Yeah. Yeah. Surf. Net. Mouse.

(AT THIS POINT SHE COMES ROUND AND SCREAMS)

AGGIE: Ehhhhh! Mouse!!!

SADIE: Aggie sit down, Love. There’s no mouse.

REST OF CLASS ARE MESMERISED. JAPANESE TAKING PICTURES. INDIAN LADY WEEPING WHILE HUSBAND ATTEMPTS TO CONSOLE HER.

INDIAN GENTLEMAN: No cry, My Precious. Loud ladies are silent now. Please to study screen.

AGGIE: (PUTTING UP HER DUKES) Hey you, tanfastic, who are you calling loud? I’ll…..

SADIE: Aggie! Sit!  

TEACHER: (WITH LOUD SIGH) Right people, let’s get on. Click on the Internet icon and a Google search page should pop up.

AGGIE: Is he talking English? Gogle! What the hell is that?

TEACHER:  It’s a search engine.

AGGIE: Search engine! Like a car engine? Do you go away in it?

TEACHER: That’s very good, Agnes. Yes, you sort of travel anywhere, anytime you like in it.

AGGIE: Jesus! Sadie! It’s a time machine. You know like that film with Michael Parkinson in it. Back to where you come from yesterday. You know?

SADIE: Aggie, it’s Michael J Fox, Back to the Future and it’s not a time machine.

TEACHER: Now type your country of origin into your search engine.

AGGIE Country of oranges? Like where they grow them. Sure, Sadie I don’t know that. I just buy them outta Tescos and they’re awful good so they are. The cheapest ones are the nicest, isn’t that queer. Ooooh! I love a blood orange. Haven’t had one for ages. Here, Sadie, do ye think thon blood oranges would be Dracelees favourite.

SADIE: Dracelee! Who the fuck is he?

AGGIE: Oh, Sadie, him with the big long teeth and the dark eyes and the lovely body and the nicest Brycleemed dark hair…

(GOES INTO DREAM STATE)
SADIE: That’s Dracula the vampire and he’s not nice at all.

AGGIE: Oh, Sadie he could bite my neck any oul time.

SADIE: Aggie…behave yourself. Ye only lost Jimmy last August. Not that ye would miss any of his kerfuffling. He was spreading it around like Marmite on toast.

AGGIE: You’re always putting my Jimmy down, God Rest him.

SADIE: Well, he put most of the women on the estate down – on their backs!

AGGIE: (getting up in fighter’s stance) Put yer dukes up, Sadie Gilmore.

TEACHER: Ladies! Ladies! Settle petals! Mr Chang could you stop taking pictures Think of the Privacy act. Mr and Mrs Hussein, it is not a terrorist attack. No reason to bow to Allah.

DING! DING!

Oh, Dear, What a shame. That’s the bell. Same time next week people. And we’ll go over what you have learnt tonight. That should kill ten seconds. Sorry, sorry Mr Hussein, no more bowing. I meant pass not kill.

HE SHAKES HIS HEAD IN DEFEAT AND TIDIES HIS BOOKS.

AGGIE: Sadie how about a wee drink before home, eh?

SADIE: Now you’re talking, me girl. Lead on McDuff.

AGGIE; Who’s McDuff ,Sadie? Is he coming too? Where is he, Sadie, Sadie……