Hiya! How is everyone today? All set for Summer holidays. All booked fot two weeks in the sun, white Irish people turned into par boiled lobsters by holiday end. Dehydrated, hung over, completely exhausted, in pain from nodding off in the sun care of strong Spanish wine but Hey! great time was had by all. Can’t wait until next year, it’ll take that long to pay for the skin grafts and alcoholic clinic. Not to mention the divorce bill after touching yon girls boob!
“But love I thought it was a different kind of seashell. I was only trying to get it for our wee Mikey.”
“Aye I could see where your shell was going. Harder than a whelk’s willy.”
Well I would like to tell you about my wee vaccination. Me hubby and me went to Spain. Now I wanna swim. You know the way you go out on these wee trips for a boozy lunch and before they feed and water ye the boyos ask if ye want take a wee dive into the water, like.

Well before he’d finished talking there was I perched on the side of the boat, in my diving stance, in me yellow spotted bikini ready  for the off. Oh here I must tell ya about that yellow spotted bikini. Put it on for yer man , to show him like what a beauty he had and his first words were:: “Get it off!”

Well girls, I thought it was me lucky night but then he took off.  “Ah he’s away for a wee bottle of scrumpi (you know the poor man’s champagne!) or Bulmers if I’m lucky. Just to spice things up a bit, you understand. The last few months a red hot pepper wouldn’t have spiced up our love life. Baby Spice might’ve resurrected his.Anyway, says I better get ready for the onslaught, not much for foreplay is my hubby, kiss, kiss, slap, tug and you’re in. Better than nothing, I suppose, I think! Anyway  I whips off the bikini, sprays meself all over with pound shop’s best scent, jumps into bed and tries to look provocate, no, prokorete, no tried to look sexy!!  Of course as you can see that’s not a hard job for me!!!!For two hours! Back he comes at last, I’m nearly sleeping, throws a Sports Direct bag at me and says”Wear that.”

Well thon thing was a toss up between a burka and  bicycle shorts! I wasn’t wearing that. Anyway back to the boat, eager and ready I was like I was on a promise when two arms wrapped a towel round me and hauled me back.”You can’t swim, Phyllis.”

“Who said anything about swimming. I only wanna dive in like the man said.”

“Yeah and what happens when you get down there,  ye dozy mare?”

“Well you go down first, that’ll kill two birds with one stone. I’ll land on you and me weight will sink you.  Job done!”

“Ye’re right there, your weight would kill anyone you landed on. Now sit!

So I had to sit in the corner like a naughty wee’un , sulk and listen to all the splashing and laughing. That deserves an Ah!! Now doesn’t it?  To make up for it he buys me a Speedo swimsuit. Well I was running up and down that beach like a Baywatch Babe, hair flying out behind me, well lifting a little bit and the only thing bouncing was me belly.Some man stood up and shouted over” Hey Lady stop running back and forward like that. You’re froghtening my kids. They thinkyou’re a pervert.” Cheeky sod!!!

Back home we go and I am determined to learn to swim. Signed up for six lessons, didn’t know it was gonna turn into fifteen years. fifteen years to learn to swim. Jesus my son wasn’t even married then and now my wee granddaughter Keeley just passed the eleven plus last week. She’s a wee fish, God love her. Took her with me to the pool one night.

“Right, Honey teach me how to tread water.” And there’s me hanging on to the edge like a limpet up at the deep end.

“Nanny.”

“Nanny”

“What?”

“You have to let go of the edge.”

“No, No, I can’t! I can’t!

Well down comes the lifeguard and banishes me to the shallow end. Mortified, I was.I says to Keeley:

“Sorry Honey we have to go down there.”

“He said you, Nanny, not me.”

Oh the mortification! My granddaughter swimming away like a fish and me cowering in six inches of water.

Anyway I can swim now, dive in and everything. Now I ‘m learning the guitar. And Bejesus  if it takes me as long  to do that I’ll be playing with The King, Elvis up there.

Thank you and goodnight.