Hi! A lot of young comedians here today, then I come on. I’m sure you’re saying to yourselves: “Jesus, what age is she?”   I was gonna talk to you about aging but looking round here there’s no one  over 35. Oh you are, are ye? What?? You’re his Da! Well you don’t look a day over 35, 42, 45? Whatever!

Well anyway I’ll continue on, getting older means things falling off, drooping down and for the men things not rising to the occasion. Know what I mean? Me, I have two or maybe three things going for me. First, me boobs, never had any to speak off so they’re not going to fall to me knees and I have to tie them round me neck. All my wee friends, when we were 12 and 13 were all running down to Woolworths and M&S to get their wee lacy, flowery trainer bras. You see it depended on your parents tax bracket which shop you went to. Woolies for poories and the other for Malone Road, Cherry Valley types. Me!  I headed to the children’s department to get a wincyette vest. Tried putting cotton wool and tissue down it but it just fell out the bottom. And anyway what is a trainer bra? What are they training for? Beats me!

Me  Mum went to Marks and Spencers for her “unmentionables, as she called them. We didn’t have any money but I guess she was looking after her assets! Funny thing about that, me Mum had two different voices for inside and outside Marksies.   Outside she was broad Belfast “Now luk love……”. Inside it was “Now dear, just you await there until Mummy gets her unmentionables….”

Then one day she decides she’s going to take me into the cubicle with her. Well, when I came outta there I was scarred for life. I prayed to God he would never gimme any of them things. Well Bejusus he kept his promise as ye can see. Flat as a pancake!! My hubby used to call them two fried eggs or  ” Phyllis let me into bed first cause I’d never find ye among the sheets.”  No complaints from him when he did get in, know what I mean, girls!!!

The other thing I have is this. I’ve had it since I was sixteen! I used to get the boxes of Clairol. They weren’t the same as they are now. Dead friggin’ simple now! Squeeze it on, rub it in and Hey Presto! A different woman!! Then you would’ve needed a chemistry certificate.  You mixed this with this added that, stirred it for two minutes, let it sit. I nearly blew meself up one night. I stirred it so much it exploded and me bathroom was like a vampire’s lair. Black streaks and splashes everywhere. I looked like a Black and White minstrel and I can’t even sing!!

Well with all this hindering me, glasses, grey hair and no boobs I hadn’t a hope in hell of getting a man! But eventually I did, he felt sorry for me I think. But anyway we had four kids and then things started to get a bit stale, you know, on the eh, hufty, lusty side. So we decided to do somethin’ about it. We tried S & M but we put on a stone each before we discovered that M& M’s are sweets and they’re not used for sex!! Then we bought thon book, ye know the Kami Sugar, the Karma Sutures, thon torture book I called it. Jesus the shapes thon people got into, they must be double jointed. The wheelbarrow position!! Me arms gave way and I busted me glasses!! Next thing was the baby oil. Jesus don’t use that on yer wee’un.!! He slapped it all over me and I slathered it on him, I stuck to the bed like super glue, he climbs on, slides off, ends up on the floor with a busted hip.

It took the ambulance men three attempts to lift him , slipping out of their arms he was, then they had to secure him to the stretcher to stop him moving. They unstuck me from me bed, nearly friggin’ dropped me they were laughing so much. Advised us to use baby powder next time, it’ll only clog up yer lungs they said. Cheeky sods!! I’d like to know what they do with them tubes and gas mask things in the back of their van. Kinky!!!

Not funny, age ye know! Ye’ll all get there eventually. Believe me! Isn’t it better than stuck in a pine box six foot under. Me, I son’t be in one of those, I’m getting cremated or freeze dried and threw over Graceland gates!