Hi, Folks, kids back at school. Autumn is here and Halloween on the horizon!! I love Halloween! You get to dress up in scary clothes, rap people’s doors and frighten the bejesus outta them. And they give you money!! What’s that all about? In my day it used to be called protection money. Those people would have been better off staying indoors and listening to Daniel O’ Donnell records. That would certainly make them scream  and not with admiration!  God, hope there’s no Daniel fans here! They’ll be waiting outside to beat me up with their Mummy’s slippers. Aye, and what about the ducking for apples lark. Stick your head in a basin of water and see how many apples you can bite. Jesus I near drowned, and when I opened my eyes there’s me Granny’s false teeth lying at the bottom of the bowl! Yeuch!! Baking rings and sixpences in the apple cakes! Health and Safety!! No, not for Halloween. A lot of broken teeth and chokings round the kitchen table those nights. Between drowning, choking and maybe getting beat up by the neighbours we’re lucky to be alive.

Me, I love vampires!. They’re my favourite. I’ve been to Transylvania a few times, right up to the castle. He wasn’t in! Scundered! I mean I’ve had no male companionship for a while – separated. So a few wee neck bites wouldn’t have gone amiss. Know what I mean? But the poor creatures are so misunderstood. don’t you agree? I mean you get a wee nip on the neck, die, come back and live forever. Who couldn’t be bad to that! Bob’s yer Uncle and Vamps yer Gramps! You’re set for life. Make sure and wear your good clothes when you get bitten because you’ll be wearing them for life. No more clothes shopping, Just as well actually! Cause Primark’s not there anymore. Not that I’m saying you all buy cheap stuff, you could be a Debenham’s shopper or a Marksie’s. No food shopping. pushing a rickety trolley round Tesco’s or Asda. All you need is a drop of A, B, or Rhesus Neg! Maybe sometimes a raw, juicy steak.

That’s another thing. Don’t ye think if somebody hammered a wooden stake into your heart you’d turn to ashes. It sure wouldn’t do yer nerves any good! Against the unhuman, undead rights act!! Chased with crosses and garlic and all!! Disgrace! Poor bloody things.

I went to a couple of ghost hunts a while back. Me and my sister-in-law nearly got thrown out, we giggled so much. Took us into this room, sat round the table. there was this thing in the middle with a pen stuck in it!! The guide started: “Now folks, let’s see if we can get Alice to move the pen for us?” we all looked at each other – Who the f— is Alice? She insists this invisible Alice move the pen?

“C’mon now, Sweetheart, move the pen for your visitors. They’ve come a long way”. Jesus, I’m only from Antrim and Cathy’s from the Ormeau Road! Visitors!! If a ghostly shape had’ve come into that room with tea and biscuits, I would have been out that door like Speedy Gonzales! Why should Alice do party tricks? She’s probably relaxing on a cloud with a G&T, shouting “F— off! ya Looney”

But ye always get one, don’t ya?

Voice from the other side of the table:”It moved! It moved! I saw it!!

Must have been the only thing ever moved for her, her husband was looking at her funny, he wished she was a ghost!! I think she farted, the chair moved and the pen along with it! Of course, Emperor’s New Clothes syndrome! According to most of the people at the table, the pen was now writing War and Peace!! That was it for us, couldn’t contain giggles and after dirty look from tour guide we two headed for the real spirits –  IN THE NEAREST PUB!!