SUMMER

For some reason, which became clear later on, I was really not looking forward to this holiday in Turkey. There would be sun, sand

sea and if I clicked maybe sex! You never can tell, even at my age. Cocktails, tasty food, a pool, getting served by handsome waiters straight to your sunbed. With some misgivings I boarded the flight and hoped to regain that holiday mood. So right was I to be doubtful.

The hotel was superb, the pool big enough and plenty of sunbeds to go around. No getting up at ungodly hours to place your towel on a free one. Never did it, never will, don’t understand it. After a few days I got friendly with staff and holidaymakers at the resort. People from home as well. The real heart and craic of Belfast in Dalaman, Turkey.

I discovered a great little venue with entertainment just down the street from the hotel. Two really welcoming drag artists. Loved it so went back the following night. And was rewarded with a kiss on the cheek from one of the performers.

“Welcome back, Love!!

Although they did sort of insult me a little.

“Show us your dentures, Love!”

“What age are you?”

“37”, I whispered.

“What kind of a plastic surgeon did you have?”

All in good fun. No offence taken. Everyone got it in some form or other. At least the manicurist in the spa reckoned I was ten years younger than what I revealed. Result!

The Spa!! Wow! Turkish bath, head massage, full body massage,  face mask – hmm! Maybe I should have kept that on for a little bit longer. I came out feeling like a million dollars!

I have to tell you about the wonderful surprise which awaited me when I came back from one of my wee shopping trips. On entering my hotel room I just stood there admiring  my bed. That may sound a bit strange but it was a work of art. Flower petals and leaves had been arranged on top of my bed in a large heart shape in the middle and various flowery designs surrounding it. I had never seen anything so beautiful and I was the only one who received this. I could’ve cried. As it turned out the lovely cleaners were responsible and I still don’t really know why they picked me. Maybe because I was on my own or else a premonition of what was waiting for me over the rest of my holiday. I brought all the flowers and stems home and dried them. Pride of place now in my bedroom. So thoughtful a gesture.

Now that’s the end of the good bits of my Summer holiday. Now, the holiday I doubted began. First of all my money Travel card got swallowed by the ATM. I watched in horror as that little plastic part of my life slowly entered the vast cavern behind the tiny slot. Tried to grab it but to no avail. It slithered and slid away from my grabbing hands. Probably self satisfied.

“Huh! You’ll not swipe me any more against those awful machines. That hurts , you know. Card pride and all that I was becoming tattered, not fit for public view.” Sorry, I’m rambling. I was just so shocked, standing there, thinking that didn’t just happen. But it did. Thankfully I had my Santander bank card with me.

Next calamity of Summer. I decided to book a lovely night of Turkish dancing, good food and delicious cocktails. I used to perform belly dancing myself. I can see you all looking a bit dubious but I did. I wasn’t very good at it  but I tried much to the dismay of my teacher. So there was I, standing outside the hotel, waiting on my lift to the venue. Eight o’ clock I was told. Pick up at eight. Five past, still standing. Quarter past, getting a bit worried.  Receptionist came out to check on me and he very kindly rang the travel company to discover they had written the wrong night on my ticket. He had written Sunday instead of Thursday. Again devastated! I was now nearing the pinnacle of my tragedy filled holiday and what a pinnacle it was.

Now, I had been told before flying that there were wild boars running round Marmaris. It seems they had a dog cull and when most canines had departed in came the boars. I took all this with a pinch of salt and up to near the end of my holiday I certainly hadn’t seen any. In the early hours of this particular morning I was disturbed by something really sinister, something thundering across the bottom of my bed. Of course my first thought was “Wild boars!”

Did I panic? Heck as like! I should have. All normal people would have.

Did I run for the door to get out? No! This idiotic woman glanced over the side of her bed and decides that the space between floor and sleeping quarters was too small for a big animal to climb under. What?? Then I put my head back on the pillow and tried to attain again my sleep. What? What about the rest of the room! I blame the cocktails. So strong they knocked the fear out of me or else I was totally used to things going wrong on this holiday. My fearlessness was short lived however, as a few minutes later my whole bed began to shake up and down.

I’ve heard of the earth moving but not in that particular way. It moved for me without a partner. Again my addled brain came up with a ludicrous explanation. I had a poltergeist! I was thrilled to bits!! I’d go home and tell my Kids and Grandkids I had a Turkish poltergeist! I mean how stupid could I really get. Again blame the cocktails. Anyway with that idea stuck in my head I lay down and had the greatest sleep I’ve had for years. Really! I need locked up. Preferably not with the poltergeist. I should have been screaming, running for my life out of my room. It wasn’t bravery on my part. I don’t know what the hell it was. Turkish sun, too much alcohol!

Next day, feeling fully rested I was lounging round the pool and happened to say to a friend about the strange happenings in my room the night before.

“Phyllis,” she said. “It was an earthquake.”

“What?”

Shocked to the core I thought to myself – that’s twice the earth has moved for me and twice I’ve slept through it. One in Australia and one in Turkey. Couldn’t have been very orgasmic, could they?

Well, that not so enjoyable Summer holiday was coming to an end. I just wanted home. Nothing else could happen to me. Or could it?

On arrival at the airport Easyjet decided that my carry on luggage was too big and fined me forty eight pounds. I’ve taken that case on all my travels. The puzzling thing about it was after I’d paid the extortionate amount my case was then permitted on the flight. If it was too big in the first place why didn’t it go in the hold?? 

Mysteries of the various airlines are not for us mere mortals to fathom. I should have followed the example of a lady I’d heard about. When asked for the payment for oversized luggage, she promptly produced a black trash bag, put all her stuff in and pushed it into the size scale. Voila! Problem solved! Good on her!

An eventful Summer holiday. Yes!

An enjoyable one.

NO!