I had been with the walking group for just a few weeks when a birthday was  announced. Christine’s birthday. Party to be held in Top of the Town bar, Antrim with drag artist as entertainment. Now, I just happen to love drag artists. I met up with a couple of them in Turkey. Loved the show so much I went back twice although at one point they asked to see my dentures and my age which I turned round to 37. The remark was “Well, you’d better get another plastic surgeon!” No offence taken. I got a nice cheek kiss from one on the second visit with a “Welcome back Love thrown in. Great fun but I was a little bit wary of not being included in the walking  group I mean I was a newcomer. I should have had no worries about that. 

“Of course!” They all said, “ the more the merrier!” 

So the birthday night arrived and we all met up in the bar. A goodly crowd of us. Laughing and joking and all waiting the arrival of Big Titties Bingo! Yes! That was her name! 

Big Titties was due in about a half hour so we patiently waited imbibing cocktails and wine. Not impatient at all. The craic was ninety and the drinks superb. Suddenly without warning there she was. What a sight! Legs up to her armpits, long blond hair down her back, not stuck on her back. Just flowing freely like a golden shower. Make up to perfection, although the five o’ clock shadow was a little bit visible. She was nearly dressed in a flowing almost see through skirt to the hip and a deeply plunging satiny blouse almost see through also I was a little jealous. Not very well endowed in that respect. If I wore a plunging neckline I’d be arrested for attempting to impersonate a woman. She was breathtaking. Swanned around the tables, insulting and praising punters as she went. All good fun!  

I didn’t even know she was anywhere near me until I heard the words: 

“Just let me get past this old woman.” 

Looking around, not realising it was me she was referring to. But it was. I should have known then that was only the beginning. She had found a juicy victim in the crowd and that victim was me. She sidled between myself and Joe, another walker, Susan his wife next to him. 

“Is that your wife?! 

“Yes.” From Joe. 

“By choice.” 

No one took offence. Everyone knew what was on offer that night or any night that was drag and if you were easily offended just don’t attend. After a few more remarks to Joe and his Susan, she leaned closer to him whilst looking at me and whispered: 

“Do you think we should check she’s still breathing.” 

 This  remark of course aimed at me. She then spotted one of our crowd wearing a flowery blouse and attention was diverted on to poor Beth Not for long though! 

“Phyllis,” right behind me again she was. 

“What?” 

“How do you know Christine?” 

“We both belong to an Antrim walking group.” 

“Oh! Hmm! Walking Group! Do you walk unaided?” 

“No! “ I replied. “ I have a Zimmer frame.” What I should have added was  also a nurse and doctor on standby. 

That maybe had stumped her a bit because I was left alone again. For a while. My friends had begun to sympathise with me but I assured them I was taking it all in good fun. 

After another few rounds of the crowd Big Titties announced she was going on a break and whilst on that break she was going to have sex with Phyllis. All I could do was roll my eyes and laugh. No offence taken at all, just good, if not clean fun all round. 

Back she came after the break, slithering and sliding among the tables like a gazelle. I have great admiration for drag artistes. They are always so careful with their appearance, outshining many a female and looking so fantastic. The two I mentioned in Turkey did a surprising closing number. I’d never seen it done before. They played a song entitled “THIS IS ME” and divested themselves of their female attire. Off came the padded bras, the sequinned gowns, the heels and wigs. Make up thoroughly removed. They stood straight and proud in their male attire, superb entertainers that they were. An unexpected and wonderful end to the show. 

Back to Big Titties who maybe had decided I’d had enough. But No! Wishful thinking on my part. She’d spied someone, who was actually a waitress in Top of the Town, with the same haircut and hair colour as me. 

“Hey, Phyllis,”  

This by the way was shouted half way across the room. 

“Here’s a younger version of you.” 

Some of the comments directed at me or to other poor victims are not repeatable here but again real good craic. 

So CHEERS to the top of the town for a wonderful, joke filled evening and for the delicious cocktails. I had a frozen marguerita and a pina colada. YUM!  

And CHEERS to Big Titties Bingo for the laughter , not all directed at me but most of it, and the insults. Hope to see you again soon. You were class. Until we meet again soon. 

Oh, I suppose you’re wondering about the Bingo bit. Well, we were all given some pages with rows of numbers on them. Yes. Bingo. Whoever won could pick a drink of their choice. I wasn’t lucky there either!! 

Next time I’ll wear my armoured corset! Ping! Ping! All comments flying off and into the ether.