It was a dark, chilly, miserable night. My flat was cosy, warm and inviting but I had agreed to attend a Ghost Hunt. I even got my own fleece jacket, well when I say that it fit me where it hit me. Must have belonged to some past Hunter. I was curious about the afterlife as my flat is Halloween decorated 365 days a year. A mummy called Martha, a skeleton with guitar not yet named, a zombie highway man. Skulls, black candles, scary dolls. I have it! So a Ghost Hunt sounded just up my street except for one wee, slight problem. I’m not very good when people die, not very happy with corpses, even close family members. I freak out if left alone with one. I mean it was my Mum, for frig’s sake. God love her. She passed away in my brother’s house in Dublin. Now I was there when Mum took her last breath but my brother and his wife were in the room with me. If they had’ve made a move I’d have been close behind them, out the door.

But as fate would have it, they had to go and register Mum’s passing. So Rosie (Joseph’s dog) and I were left – in the house – by ourselves-  alone – except of course for Mum upstairs who was not very talkative (thankfully) at this time. I was so fine for a while, sitting there quite happily reading my book. Then slowly, with growing apprehension, I began to realise I needed the loo. The only loo being upstairs, quite close to my Mum and the door was open. I’d be able to see her. I hung on as long as I could, crossing my legs so tight  I was losing circulation in them. I was in agony. I had to get to the bathroom or I’d be paying for dry cleaning my brother’s sofa. I tiptoed up the stairs. Why? Mum wasn’t going to ask if I wanted a cup of tea. Hand up at the side of my face, sped into the bathroom. The quickest pee in history. I’m not even sure if all of it went into the bowl. Didn’t care. Wash hands! Nope! I’d do it downstairs. Stairs two at a time, dove into living room, breathed a sigh of relief. So if a close relative could scare the bejesus out of me what the Hell was I doing going Ghost Hunting.

Anyway, back to the plot. We all met up and drove to some run down building in the middle of nowhere. A ruined Abbey or church I think it was. My companions stopped at the entrance and proceeded to say a prayer for their safety. I declined so they probably thought : “Oh! She’s mincemeat!”

Would you believe we had a picnic before getting to that point. A picnic! Sustenance to face the ghostly encounters. Everybody had brought something. Sandwiches, cake, buns, drinks (unfortunately alcohol free!) I was asked enroute if I was an  empath. ”What? What the hell is that? I didn’t know. Maybe that’s why I was invited. In we trudged and I, as a novice Ghost Hunter trailed behind. A cave like room was discovered in the ruins , all spirit spotting equipment was set out. Noise sensors, flashing lights and a thing that resembled a set of traffic lights. . Turns out that when the red light turns green, the ghostly presence is nearby or right in front of it . Now I really did have an interest in this but when my colleagues started calling to the invisible person, cajoling and coaxing him or her to make an appearance  I lost it.

“Come on now. A sign to let us know you’re here. Yeah?”

“ Nobody’s going to hurt you.” As If!!!

I had to leave. I desperately wanted to laugh but didn’t want to insult my new found friends so I left and giggled outside. Could you just imagine those poor wee souls sitting on a cloud with a glass of wine in one hand and a good book in the other or a couple looking a bit of peace and quiet for a little fumbling. Their peace shattered by a group of would be spirit spotters. I think the wee ghosts answer would not be repeatable. Something like:

(Excuse the language.) “ Fuck off, you wankers. Go and disturb some Holy Joes. We’re happy until you solid humans try to make us appear. Well, No!! Drop Dead! Oh No! Then we’d have to put up with you here.”

But I tell you what. I went back into the cave and after a few minutes started to feel a bit sick. So who knows. Maybe there is something in it. But until My King comes down off my wall for a night of passion I’ll remain a little septic! Sceptic! I meant sceptic.

After an hour or so we packed up to leave, but not before the exit prayer for safety and to ensure no one followed us home. Frig! I’d be highly delighted if a handsome, young, well built entity followed me home. Remember that film “The Entity” where the ghost took full advantage of the lady.

Well, bring it on, I say! BRING IT ON!

Unfortunately there was mutiny among the ranks and a breakaway group was formed. I went with them once to Muckamore Abbey morgue. Unused morgue by the way. No pull out drawers with bodies wrapped in take away bags inside thankfully. We actually had our supper on the morgue table with all the sluices still there. You know where the blood and all drains. Jesus, how did we eat off that! It was getting really interesting as we went along, with the Ouija board and all, until a few from Belfast joined us. One of which confessed to us that she was both a white witch and a black witch, depending on whether she liked the person or not. Really! I so wanted to tell her to wise up but thought better of it. If she was for real, what would she do to me! Better err on the side of caution. Unfortunately that was my one and only outing with the splinter group. I had a wee barney with them and we went our separate ways.

If I got the chance again I’d do it. For the craic just. But when I visited my brother Joseph, I wouldn’t even sleep in my Mum’s room so maybe I’d better give it up as a bad job. Get another hobby. How about Visit a Vampire or Drink with a Demon!! Hmmm!!!!!