He’s short and fat and jolly
His suit is red and white
His tummy shakes He Ho Ho Ha!
He laughs with all his might.

The Christmas tree it shivers
Laden down with balls
Red, yellow, blue and green
It really decks the halls

The crib is lit and ready
Mary, Joseph still in shock
Thinking Mary’s weight gain
Was due to Blackpool rock.

The snow is falling faster
Deep and crisp and even
Not very safe for man or boy
Don’t venture out there Stephen

Now Santa’s on the rooftop
He looks a little pissed
All that booze left out for him
He now can’t read his list

So John he got a dolly
Instead of Soldier Jack
And Molly got a water gun
She wants to give it back

So sober up there Big Boy
There’s more miles yet to go
More presents to deliver
So Rudolph don’t be slow!