I was told to walk on as if I owned the place. (throw away)  I was also given a good tip to calm nerves – picture the audience naked – Hmmmm! I think I’ll maybe keep clothes on some of you – . I’ve just had my lunch. You in the back there I’ve covered you up completely.  They’re all looking at each other now, turn round and see. “who’.s she talking about. Not me. Nothing wrong with me” Good afternoon, everyone. This is my first time doing stand up and by the time I finish you’ll hope it’s my  last. Could I ask a wee favour? Please laugh, even if you don’t find it funny. I’d be so grateful. You wouldn’t want to see me cry. Honest.  I’m bad enough looking now but wait until I cry. The face wrinkles like a 90 year old wizard – what? Did I hear somebody say sure I am that age. Now listen Son, you’re not a kick in the arse behind me so haul yer whist.

 Anyway I’m going to talk about glasses not the ones you put alcohol in and get paraletic, No, these ones on my face. I ‘ve worn glasses since I was wee. Remember, folks nobody wanted them then  We were like nerdy versions of Children of the Corn or Cornea. Two types of National Health glasses,  bokey blue and puky pink. Because when you put the glasses on for the the ground seemed awful uneven. So there we all were walking like drunks , mini Woody Allens wouldn’t be in it.Specky four eyes – I took mine off. Bumped into things on a regular basis, was in casualty so often my  name’s on a plaque above cubicle three. My parents were interviewed by the police. I told the truth after two days and they let them out.

Chatted up a young man in Burton’s window once. Thought my luck was in. He kept waving and smilng at me. Then, Jesus, his trousers started to come down. I was kicking at the window  trying to get in, just to pull them up for him, you understand, make him decent again, well- behaved lady that I am. Then he bent sideways, contortionist, says I!  Heyy! Hey! The kicking and banging increased. Well, God love him, he needed somebody to look after him. And even blind as I was I could see there was a part of him missing, know what I mean. Then the mangy window dresser appeared behind  him doubled in two  cackling.

“Put your specs on, ye dozy mare!” Bastard

Mortified I was. Like I said I was only going to help him but manikin or not a wee bit of rain after a long drought is not to be sniffed at .Anyway eventually I found someone to take me in Holy matrimony. What a day! Ulster Fry and a singsong in the Hibs. No expense spared. Four kids and five grand kids later and I still don’t know what my husband looks like.

“Put your glasses on, Luv.”

I’m afraid to in case I discover it’s the man from Burton’s window.

But what about now eh! Glasses all the rage – from tiny specs to big glass windows. No face just glasses, some of them so big and heavy the person walks bent over like a monkey. Ends up in casualty more times than me with bad back or  headache from trying to hold them on. Fashion! Jesus!

That’s another thing, talking about aches and pains, it’s always puzzled me. How do all the tablets and medicine know where to go inside you. I mean do they have wee sat navs in them or what. Take a couple of headache tablets and they go the wrong way. You end up with the rash on your bum cured, you know.

Two Phensic (or modern paracetamol) talking

“Hey, Mate, what are you in here for?”

“Same as you, I guess.”

“How long have you got?”About five minutes.”

“Well, I’m released over sixty seconds. What about you?”

“ I got a bit longer due to my strength”

“C’mon then, my time’s nearly up.Which way?”

“Fucked if I know.You  go up, it’s shorter and I’ll go down for this.”And you end up with no headache and the rash on your bum cured.

 Don’t get me started about Viagra. I mean, if they go the wrong way, well. Stick in your throat  end up with a stiff neck for weeks and a head that won’t move unless you stick it in the washing machine on pump and rinse cycle. Pick the wrong target you could have hardening of the arteries, heart attack time and you haven’t got to the good part yet.

I am going to end with a poem for all senior citizens like me who may recognise themselves in these wee verses.

TIME FOR LOVE

Love is ageless, it doesn’t care
About missing teeth and greying hair
It may take longer to undress and lie back
Bones may creak and joints may crack
Teeth in a jar and wigs  on the table
Searching for tablets, reading the label
Hearing aids disconnected, glass eyes taken out
Words of love will be a shout
Joint cream applied to knees and hands
Hair net secured with elastic bands
Trusses stored for another day
Back brace folded and put away
Glasses are left near at hand by the light
In case nature calls in the dead of night
Before Hanky Panky prayers must be said
You just never know when you might wake up dead
Now the time is finally here
“Let’s make love, my doddering Dear!”
“It has taken two hours to get ready for bed
Let’s just go to sleep instead!”

 

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